I'm tired of politics
I've decided to concentrate on fulfilling a deep, nagging need to delve into my faith and the word of God. Studying and writing about politics can bring you to a point where you must acknowledge your personal helplessness in a world of sadness and despair.
Sustaining one's faith in God while the rest of the world goes nuts has never been easy; however, I've always known there was something much more important and sustaining. Of course, that is the absolute belief that, although we are in strife and fear, God is the end all, the Alpha and Omega.
Back story
I'm not new at this religion thing. My ancestors were among the first Quakers to arrive on North American soil in the 1640s. There were also Presbies and Disciples of Christ preachers, church founders, lay leaders (my mother, Lois V. Layman, was named one of the twelve Pillars of the Christian Church-Disciples of Christ in the 80s) , teachers and naturally, singers in choirs. That family tradition is still alive today.
I went through a rebellion when I was in my 30s, much to my shame. I was not a good role model for my children and it pains me that I did not instill in them the patterns and habits of good Christians. Somehow they came out okay, each one of them professing to be a Christian, believing in the resurrection and deity of Christ. God doesn't have any grandchildren, I guess.
Later, when I married (again), I was blessed to be "yoked" with another mainline Christian. My husband's faith, which is mature and unfailing, came as a result of strong parenting and regular involvement in church affairs. When I fall short, I can always count on him to help me figure it all out because I trust his faith in God and the longevity of his spiritual understanding.
In the 90s, we became very active in a large church in Orange County, California. In fact, we were so active and involved that our lives took a spectacular turn towards good for about six years. But it was not to last. Unfortunately, as humans, our preacher and choir director had feet of clay. They were discovered in flagrante delicto--in the church office yet.
I knew of the affair, not from gossip or knowledge per se. I just knew the two were involved with each other (call it intuition). They each knew I knew (call it guilt). However, I told no one except my husband about my suspicions.
Well. That certainly put a dent in my spiritual life. I must say, though, I was not lily white in this drama. My own desires and ego put me in that church as it was known for its choir and musical ministries. I was still singing at the time, and although I thought maybe I had lost my solo quality voice I hoped there'd be an opportunity to share my "gift." Again, because I was driven to church so that I could "perform," I had set myself up. I just couldn't figure out why our choral director, who had a doctorate in conducting, wouldn't choose me for solo work. There were talented, wonderful, younger voices who could do the job, but I didn't think I was chopped liver.
My ambitions were quelled because of the great preacher's anger toward me--remember, he knew that I knew--and I suppose, looking back, that was the reason I wasn't in the 'real musicians' clique. I should add that I was very close to the musical director.
This hurt me deeply and made me very angry. However, as I said earlier, I told no one of my suspicions that his infidelity to his wife was the reason I wasn't allowed to sing. In hindsight, again, I probably just wasn't good enough. I'll never really know.
I am certain of one fact: my need and desire to sing far outweighed my devotion and desire to sing to and for God. I was singing for me only.
Do as I say, not as I do
In addition to the choir involvement, my husband and I participated in a very dynamic home bible group. Included among the six couples were one of the former church pastors/missionaries, in addition to the chairman of the church board. Each of these couples were at odds with the rather egomanical Dr. Preacher, to the point that the preacher actually declared a war against our group. I suppose he was fearful that his secret would get out, especially since my husband and I were so close to the decision makers in the church. Isn't it amazing how guilt affects one's perception?
More distrust and dissension in the church took place which did not involve us: two associate pastors were fired, the chairman of the board was asked to resign, along with two other important leaders in the church. I suppose with the troublemakers finally gone, the preacher and the choir director finally had the run of the place. They thought. The denial finally was replaced by hard, cold fact that the preacher was being indiscreet with the beautiful choir director--and beautiful she was. They both were.
Denouement and revelations
On the heels of that terrible experience, my husband and I moved to another county and have yet to find a church home. We're still looking.
I realize now that the pain and betrayal we experienced was meant to show me my own shortcomings. I'm actually thankful for the revelation that my spiritual walk wasn't true. Rather, it was a foray into show business and an attempt to recreate my childhood family.
Secondly, I became filled with the Holy Spirit, which I'd never realized prior to our affiliation with this church. I've never looked back. All the Sunday Schools, church choirs and retreats before coming to this church were nothing but activities. I can thank the gifted preacher for that. He was first and foremost a fabulous speaker giving sermons that clarified the message and word of God and reached my soul. Our disgraced minister, a man who holds two doctorates from two major theology schools, and his fall took him to even deeper ignominy, sadly. He was denounced and shut out of North America's oldest protestant denomination, his wife left him, his grown children sick with grief abandoned him, and now he sells encyclopedias.
The gorgeous choir director, another Ph.D in conducting, a wonderfully gifted singer, composer and conductor, is no longer in a position to demand much more than directing a high school glee club or pep band.
I don't know exactly how God handles this stuff. I am told that He holds His leaders to higher standards than the rest of us. Their mutual transgressions and their legacies include the abandonment of a fabulous music program at the church, a long list of hurt, disenfranchised people and the loss of grace in their own lives. I have to hope there has been reconciliation for them both.
"Well, You Ain't Dead Yet, Honey..."
That quote is from my great Aunt Nellie in response to someone saying they'd "never, ever do such a thing."
I thank God for the experience. I've forgiven the preacher and my friend, the choir director, for their betrayals, even though it's taken nearly ten years. After all, I'm still growing too.
Thanks for the read.
Addendum
The Dr. Preacher and the Beautiful Choir Director are now together in Colorado. They have their own personal church and are married, claiming to have five children (his two girls and her two boys and one girl). Evidently they are doing it their way. Where Mrs. Dr. Preacher ended up, I don't know. I do know that she was battling breast cancer the last time I heard of her.
Since this was written, we have found a church home among the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, where we sing, sing, sing! Miracle of miracles, these people actually think I can sing! LOL
I've decided to concentrate on fulfilling a deep, nagging need to delve into my faith and the word of God. Studying and writing about politics can bring you to a point where you must acknowledge your personal helplessness in a world of sadness and despair.
Sustaining one's faith in God while the rest of the world goes nuts has never been easy; however, I've always known there was something much more important and sustaining. Of course, that is the absolute belief that, although we are in strife and fear, God is the end all, the Alpha and Omega.
Back story
I'm not new at this religion thing. My ancestors were among the first Quakers to arrive on North American soil in the 1640s. There were also Presbies and Disciples of Christ preachers, church founders, lay leaders (my mother, Lois V. Layman, was named one of the twelve Pillars of the Christian Church-Disciples of Christ in the 80s) , teachers and naturally, singers in choirs. That family tradition is still alive today.
I went through a rebellion when I was in my 30s, much to my shame. I was not a good role model for my children and it pains me that I did not instill in them the patterns and habits of good Christians. Somehow they came out okay, each one of them professing to be a Christian, believing in the resurrection and deity of Christ. God doesn't have any grandchildren, I guess.
Later, when I married (again), I was blessed to be "yoked" with another mainline Christian. My husband's faith, which is mature and unfailing, came as a result of strong parenting and regular involvement in church affairs. When I fall short, I can always count on him to help me figure it all out because I trust his faith in God and the longevity of his spiritual understanding.
In the 90s, we became very active in a large church in Orange County, California. In fact, we were so active and involved that our lives took a spectacular turn towards good for about six years. But it was not to last. Unfortunately, as humans, our preacher and choir director had feet of clay. They were discovered in flagrante delicto--in the church office yet.
I knew of the affair, not from gossip or knowledge per se. I just knew the two were involved with each other (call it intuition). They each knew I knew (call it guilt). However, I told no one except my husband about my suspicions.
Well. That certainly put a dent in my spiritual life. I must say, though, I was not lily white in this drama. My own desires and ego put me in that church as it was known for its choir and musical ministries. I was still singing at the time, and although I thought maybe I had lost my solo quality voice I hoped there'd be an opportunity to share my "gift." Again, because I was driven to church so that I could "perform," I had set myself up. I just couldn't figure out why our choral director, who had a doctorate in conducting, wouldn't choose me for solo work. There were talented, wonderful, younger voices who could do the job, but I didn't think I was chopped liver.
My ambitions were quelled because of the great preacher's anger toward me--remember, he knew that I knew--and I suppose, looking back, that was the reason I wasn't in the 'real musicians' clique. I should add that I was very close to the musical director.
This hurt me deeply and made me very angry. However, as I said earlier, I told no one of my suspicions that his infidelity to his wife was the reason I wasn't allowed to sing. In hindsight, again, I probably just wasn't good enough. I'll never really know.
I am certain of one fact: my need and desire to sing far outweighed my devotion and desire to sing to and for God. I was singing for me only.
Do as I say, not as I do
In addition to the choir involvement, my husband and I participated in a very dynamic home bible group. Included among the six couples were one of the former church pastors/missionaries, in addition to the chairman of the church board. Each of these couples were at odds with the rather egomanical Dr. Preacher, to the point that the preacher actually declared a war against our group. I suppose he was fearful that his secret would get out, especially since my husband and I were so close to the decision makers in the church. Isn't it amazing how guilt affects one's perception?
More distrust and dissension in the church took place which did not involve us: two associate pastors were fired, the chairman of the board was asked to resign, along with two other important leaders in the church. I suppose with the troublemakers finally gone, the preacher and the choir director finally had the run of the place. They thought. The denial finally was replaced by hard, cold fact that the preacher was being indiscreet with the beautiful choir director--and beautiful she was. They both were.
Denouement and revelations
On the heels of that terrible experience, my husband and I moved to another county and have yet to find a church home. We're still looking.
I realize now that the pain and betrayal we experienced was meant to show me my own shortcomings. I'm actually thankful for the revelation that my spiritual walk wasn't true. Rather, it was a foray into show business and an attempt to recreate my childhood family.
Secondly, I became filled with the Holy Spirit, which I'd never realized prior to our affiliation with this church. I've never looked back. All the Sunday Schools, church choirs and retreats before coming to this church were nothing but activities. I can thank the gifted preacher for that. He was first and foremost a fabulous speaker giving sermons that clarified the message and word of God and reached my soul. Our disgraced minister, a man who holds two doctorates from two major theology schools, and his fall took him to even deeper ignominy, sadly. He was denounced and shut out of North America's oldest protestant denomination, his wife left him, his grown children sick with grief abandoned him, and now he sells encyclopedias.
The gorgeous choir director, another Ph.D in conducting, a wonderfully gifted singer, composer and conductor, is no longer in a position to demand much more than directing a high school glee club or pep band.
I don't know exactly how God handles this stuff. I am told that He holds His leaders to higher standards than the rest of us. Their mutual transgressions and their legacies include the abandonment of a fabulous music program at the church, a long list of hurt, disenfranchised people and the loss of grace in their own lives. I have to hope there has been reconciliation for them both.
"Well, You Ain't Dead Yet, Honey..."
That quote is from my great Aunt Nellie in response to someone saying they'd "never, ever do such a thing."
I thank God for the experience. I've forgiven the preacher and my friend, the choir director, for their betrayals, even though it's taken nearly ten years. After all, I'm still growing too.
Thanks for the read.
Addendum
The Dr. Preacher and the Beautiful Choir Director are now together in Colorado. They have their own personal church and are married, claiming to have five children (his two girls and her two boys and one girl). Evidently they are doing it their way. Where Mrs. Dr. Preacher ended up, I don't know. I do know that she was battling breast cancer the last time I heard of her.
Since this was written, we have found a church home among the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, where we sing, sing, sing! Miracle of miracles, these people actually think I can sing! LOL
